Introduction
I have been thinking for a long time about whether I want/should create this blog.
But after thinking about it for a long time I decided to write it and share it with you and possibly exchange ideas with like-minded people. I have to warn you that this blog contains strong ideas of violence and mutilation of my ex-girlfriend as well as mental plans to enslave or kill her.
The beginning
A few years ago, when I realized that my life couldn't go on like this, I met a young woman. We got on very well straight away.
After writing and talking on the phone for a while, we met. The meeting was very harmonious from the beginning so that we completely forgot the time.
The days after we continued to meet and we decided that we are now in a relationship. (Because we were one heart and one soul from the first moment we met in person).
I would like to point out that everything is heavily abridged and partly altered and that I can only report my side.
The relationship
During the relationship I made myself emotionally dependent on her and gave her my whole heart. (also because I realized before the relationship that I needed emotional support (that's why I started dating in the first place))
Like in every relationship there were good and bad days and at some point we got into a rut that we couldn't get out of. And then it also started that she was getting worse and worse mood-wise.
And because she never wanted to tell me what was bothering her. I couldn't help her either. And after a while she broke up with me.
For me it came out of nowhere because she never wanted to talk to me about the things that were bothering her. (I have to say that I've always been a peaceful and absolutely non-acresive person, but she had managed to get me to snap in the relationship. But I never hit her or anything else)
The end
When she ended the relationship, she didn't keep most of her promises or only fulfilled a few of them.
After the break-up I was devastated. And I tried to start again and dated a lot. But none of it was even remotely comparable.
The longer it had been since the breakup, the more I turned to alcohol. But not to forget, but to feel the pain and the feelings towards her.
I tried to cling to it and didn't want to forget the feelings and the pain and for everything to go back to the way it was before her.
Now, a few years later, the feelings I didn't want to lose are just a faint memory. And for the most part, the state before the relationship has returned to me, and with it the indifference that I tried to prevent with alc and sentimentality.
My point of view
I'm not sure what's left of my original love for her. It just feels like a distant memory to me. A certain amount of hatred has developed towards her as well as the thought that I have nothing more to lose either way because I have now lost everything that has ever meant anything to me in my life.
I suppose that this distant memory of what once was and the hatred towards her as well as my inner indifference and the tendency towards certain fetishes as well as the fact that I can't lose anything anymore except my life have made me create this site now, share my probably crazy thoughts, talk to you here and maybe realize one or more of my plans sooner or later.
I hope that at least a few of you might understand what's going on inside me or would like to go through or do something similar. I would like to exchange ideas with these people, conceive plans with them and, if necessary, give them a platform.
And to all those who find this and the following texts offensive or anything else. You are welcome to stay away.
Thank you.